Sometimes you hold off on sharing a story until the end because you don’t want to have to share if the outcome is not what you had hoped for. You stay quiet along the ride just in case things don’t go well and then you don’t have to go through the pain of telling everyone the unhappy ending. Sometimes, when the story shifts, you realize it’s time to talk.
Today is that day for me.
I have shared small details of our struggle to have a baby, but today I want to lay it all out. I don’t want to share this for pity or for you to feel sorry for us. I want to share this because there are so many out there struggling right along with us, or who may end up in our shoes in the future, and I want them to know that they are not alone. We are not alone, even when we feel that we are the only two in this world stuck in the mud, trying to trudge through, there is still someone–many someones on the exact same journey. I want this journey to no longer be a silent one. The more I have opened up about our agony and despair, the more I have connected, the more I have felt supported and the more I have realized there is hope. And there is hope. We are still holding on.
Today was the beginning of the big shift in our story.
On Monday, we found out that our 2nd IVF cycle failed. Our first was cancelled due to lack of response from my ovaries, and then the second did not end up going as we had hoped. Over and over, I can hear the doctor telling us “not pregnant” and seeing all the hope shatter in one instant after all of the pain, the injections, the hope, the anxiety, the longest two weeks of our lives–gone. We thought for sure it was our turn, this would be our big break and yet, once again, it was not.
This was our last straw with fertility treatments which we had decided before going into this round. There was no insurance coverage so the funds were not there for another round and we were certain our nerves would never be the same again if we did another round.
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Over 4 years ago, we were pregnant for the first time and it was the most magical thing that had ever happened in our lives. We never thought we could ever be more in love with someone we had never meant. Everything we did, everything I ate, everything we talked about–all of it, was centered around one thing: our baby, our miracle, our joy. Those 3 months with our little Josie were like nothing we had ever experienced. And then, our entire world was turned upside down and things shifted like we never thought they could. We lost our sweet perfect angel at 12 weeks.
To be honest, I never thought I would rise up from that loss. It hit me like nothing I had ever felt. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that one day everything was perfect, and the next day the perfection was ripped away from me. No warning, no explanation. Just an avalanche out of nowhere to wreck everything and I have never been the same, we have never been the same.
We picked up the shattered pieces, and we tried again.
Almost a year later, we couldn’t believe it, but those two little lines appeared and we cried and jumped and couldn’t contain ourselves. I made Anthony go up to the drugstore and get more pregnancy tests so we could be certain. 5 tests later, I knew it was true. This was really happening. And again, the world was perfect. And again everything we did, everything we said, all of our lives were equal to one thing: our perfect miracle.
We sat in the room as the ultrasound tech rubbed my belly to see our little nugget. She said very little, and her eyes began to squint and become serious. Is everything ok? I asked, even though in the pit of my stomach I knew it was not. She told me it was a bit “eyebrow” raising but the doctor would be in to see me. She left the room and I could do nothing but cry. I knew, we knew. My doctor walked in and her face said it all. She walked over and hugged me. Again, our entire world shifted, and again, I thought for sure I wouldn’t walk out alive.
The thing that was different when we lost our second baby was the way the doctor responded and the urgency to get to the bottom of it all.
Every test you can imagine, every poke, every prod, blood work, MRIs–we did it all. And we came up with a big fat nothing. All I wanted was for someone to say that ‘x’ was wrong and you need to do ‘y’ to fix it, and then you will have a baby. But that never happened. Only a few small things that they thought could possibly be contributing factors, but never anything substantial.
So we started working with a reproductive specialist and again, more tests. Even more intricate tests, and still, nothing. So we tried several medications and hormones for over a year with no luck. Month after month, the hope, the anxiety and then the let down. It was the never ending cycle, and it seemed we were headed nowhere. The doctors started to talk more and more about my age and IVF kept coming up. We were reluctant at first, but then a few more tests told us it was most likely our only option.
As we prepped for our first round, the doctors found an abnormally large cyst on my ovary. Lovely, I thought, one more thing to get in our way! Just our luck. Our treatment was pushed back about a month and my patience was once again slim to nothing as I thought we had waited long enough.
We finally started the treatment and things seemed to be going well. But as we got further in, my body was not responding quite as anticipated. The doctors continued to increase my dosage, but in the end no luck. We couldn’t move forward and the cycle was cancelled. Once again, another shift, one I hadn’t seen coming. Everyone else I knew that went through this treatment was sitting at home with their perfect little bundles so why didn’t it work for us?! How can any of this be fair? Again and again, we fell flat on our faces, and somehow we got back up.
As we started gearing up for our next cycle, we started talking a bit more about adoption. We didn’t want to go into this cycle with the do or die mindset. We wanted to know that it didn’t have to be the end of the road for us and even if this dream didn’t come true, there still would be something to pick us up. And so the conversation became more top of mind.
And then, just a few weeks before our cycle, I ran into a woman who used to come to my yoga class all the time. She had come into my work that day looking for a gift for her sister and we of course chatted to get caught up. I asked her what she is up to these days and she said she had gone back to work part time and was loving it. I knew she was a lawyer but had no idea what she did. I asked her what exactly she was doing that she loved so much.
I’m an adption lawyer, she said.
Time. Stood. Still.
I knew in my gut that had to be a nudge, a sign. I told her all about everything we were going through and that if this doesn’t go as planned I will want to sit down with her. I couldn’t shake the irony of her visit after she left, but kept her card tucked in my wallet.
We had a much better cycle the second time around and my body was much more responsive. We transferred two perfect little embryos, but our 3rd did not make it. We lived the longest two weeks we will ever experience in our lives. More shots, more anxiety, more battling the madness of the mind. I don’t know how we busied ourselves enough those weeks, but I nearly burst more than several times.
And then the call. And time stood still. And we cried. And we stared at each other. And we held each other. And we fell flat on our faces once again. And we weren’t sure how to get up, how to pull each other up once again.
But we did. We did get up. We did pull each other up once again.
And that brings us to today. Today begins the biggest shift of our journey yet. Today we completed our application to adopt a child.
Our story is not over, it has just begun. And you are invited along this ride. xoxo
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Since this was such a loaded post, a loaded recipe was called for. I won’t say much in regards to these Loaded Chickpea Blondies other than you would never know there are chickpeas in them. They are such an amazing way to treat yourself while also getting some goodness into your body!
Enjoy!
Loaded Chickpea Blondies
Print Pin RateIngredients
- 1 can chickpeas rinsed
- 1/2 c nut or seed butter
- 1/4 c - 1/3 c honey or pure maple syrup
- 1/2 c unsweetened shredded coconut
- 1/3 c dark chocolate chips
- 1/4 c crushed pretzels gluten free if needed
- 1/4 tsp baking soda
- 1/4 tsp baking powder
- 1/8 tsp sea salt
- 1 tsp vanilla extract
Instructions
- Preheat oven to 350°F.
- In a food processor, combine maple/honey and chickpeas.
- Process until smooth.
- Add in all other ingredients except for chocolate chips and pretzels. Process until combined.
- Fold in chocolate chips.
- Press batter into a 6x8 parchment lined pan and sprinkle pretzels over top, gently pressing them in as well.
- Bake for 18-22 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.
- Allow to cool for 10 minutes before serving.
Notes
Recipes which hide something healthy and taste good are my favorite! Since my husband is diabetic, this recipe looks like one that will fit into our diet.
Blessings on your journey to parenthood. Sometimes our lives take turns we would rather not experience. May this part of your lives be filled with more pleasant turns than the recent past.
Thank you so much! I’m so glad the recipe will fit your husband’s dietary needs. And thank you for the kindness and sweet words. It’s so beautiful how much support you can feel from people you’ve never even met. Xoxo
Lady, I was looking up pecan recipes on pinterest and found this. I’m crying, and this is also multiple nudge. I’m an attorney, and just talked to my paralegal about starting a nonprofit for free or low cost adoption services, I know it’s a huge hurdle for some and so many children need live. All the best to you!
Rachel! Isn’t it so crazy the little nudges we get out of nowhere?! The cost of adoption can be very steep no doubt and especially after paying for so many fertility treatments. I told my husband to just bank in not retiring until age 90. Ha! Sounds like your heart is in the right place!!!!
Lorie,
My sister has gone through the same heartache that you have with countless failed IVF treatments. They even went to a doctor in California (we’re from NY) because he was the “best of the best.” They were sent to Mexico for treatments that were not yet approved in the US. She tried all the diets and anything they could to get their little miracle. She had some successes but they only led to miscarriages. If my sister could get the words out to tell me how she felt, I believe it would sound something like your post. She finally ended up having our amazing cousin, who is already a mother of 3, carry my sisters baby for her. And now 9 months later, our family couldn’t be more blessed. Although it will most likely be the only baby she will have, it was all worth the pain and the disappointments following the many doctors appointments. Thank you for sharing your post! I just happened to look at this recipe because I follow a plant-based diet and then I saw the rest of your post and had to reply! I wish you well with your future and I believe adoption is a beautiful option.
With love,
Kaylee
Kaylee, I am so thrilled to hear your sister has had a perfect happy ending. I know too that even though the heartache has been so much, our perfect ending will make us realize we wouldn’t want it any other way. Thanks so much for writing!
Hello Lori,
The recipe sounds great,one question though what could I substitute for crushed pretzels ?
Cheers
Hi Maureen!
The recipe can easily made without them. Are you avoiding them for any reason? You could also sub some chopped nuts or something. Just a bit of crunch if you want!
I am soooooo soooooo happy for you!! It truly breaks my heart, with everything you have endured in the recent years. And to finally see light at the end of the tunnel, must be indescribable. You are going to make an amazing Mother, for someone like yourself that went through everything you went through just to have a Child, your the epitome of what being a Mother is all about. You are an inspiration, and I appreciate you being so open and sharing your story, I know that is not an easy thing to do. And I can’t wait in weeks/months to follow, you keep up posted on this incredible journey/gift that you so righteously deserve to have been given in your life!!!
Nicole, thank you so very much for the well wishes! It’s been quite a journey but it truly feels so right. We are so blessed to have so much love and support. Xoxo
Thank you so much for sharing some of your journey today. My heart breaks for what you have gone through, but I have so much hope for your future and for the sweet little bundle of joy you’ll love with every bit of yourself one day. This recipe looks amazing and I can’t wait to try it! Sending prayers and good energy your way!
Thank you again and again Sara. We so appreciate all the support and prayers, and from so many people that we have not even met. It’s so amazing!
Hi Lorie!
I came across this pin today for your amazing brownies, I plan on making them this weekend. I will let you know how they turn out. I can’t wait!
I read your story and I just want to thank you for sharing. I just recently had a miscarriage myself. My husband and I were heartbroken. We know that God has a child in store for us and He also has placed adoption on our hearts! So we have just started leaning into this situation and surrendering our hurt and pain to Him. Over the past couple days He has been reminding me of just how much He loves and cares for me. I just want you to know that you are so amazing and Jesus loves you so so much! Heaven went bankrupt for you girl. All for relationship with you. I pray that as you read this Jesus showers you with His love and peace beyond understanding. God bless you and your family!
Katie, I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. There is nothing so heart wrenching. I know you don’t get to hold your angel here on earth but it will be an incredible day in heaven when you do! Keep up the hope. Reach out if you ever need someone to cry to, I’m here!
Your bravery amazes me, and I thank you so much for sharing your story. You’re right – this isn’t the end, it’s only one part of the journey, one that WILL lead you to the child that is meant to be yours. We don’t know each other but I’m proud of you and your husband for knowing you would stop fertility treatments, for that decision is never easy. How many have pushed their financial, emotional, marital limits, all for the thought of “one more try”?
But you choose a different path now, one as equally amazing as that of having your own biological child. Angelina Jolie has said about adoption that there’s something incredible about waking up one day and going to get the newest member of your family. That will be you and your husband, I know it. That visit from the adoption lawyer was no fluke.
I too, like so many, am going through infertility. First it was a year of trying and then six months of drugs, and we’re moving on to IUI and eventually IVF. Adoption is where my heart truly lies, though and in my heart I have a feeling it’s where we’ll end up. Thank you for the courage to speak instead of being silent, for being vulnerable and showing your heart. Fingers crossed for you as you embark on this new journey!
Hey Lindsay, thank you so much for the beautiful message. I agree with you, there was a reason the adoption lawyer walked into my work that day and now I’m living it. Infertility is probably the most difficult thing we have ever dealt with in our lives. There’s no guarantee and even the best drugs and treatments still can turn up a negative. I just couldn’t go on and the promise of adoption seems so much more real. I wish you all the best and I am here is you ever need anything at all. It’s not a road to be on alone! xoxo
I came for the recipe and stayed for the story. We went through this…It is hell. I remember the dread of the Holiday Cards with all those perfect children our friends were blessed with… and the joy we felt when we finally had a daughter of our own to send in pictures to the whole world. I want you to know that when we did finally make it to our first meeting with our pediatrician with our brand new baby, we forgot to tell her about our struggle!!!!!! The love and joy that we felt was so overwhelmingly healing that the pain t no longer had the same power over us. Your life will not be defined by this. You will have all the joy and mess, and chaos, and love. It obviously wont be in the same way that you had imagined it would be…. but it can still be wonderful I send you so much hope and good wishes.
And the brownies look kick ass.
Thanks so much Alison. We have dreamt for years of the day we get to bring home our own perfect angel. It’s never felt closer than it does now. It’s crazy how things happen and how we think we will never make it through, but I know we will. So happy to hear you guys have had a happy ending!
About a year ago, I stumbled upon this food blog. It was full of delicious food and ideas, light and positive thoughts, and self-acceptance, and I’ve been reading ever since. Thank you Lorie for your strength and courage to keep going and to share your story. Just wanted to let you know that although I may not know what you’re going through, I’m thinking of you during the hard times and am here for you through the ups and downs.
Thank you so much Sarah! I am just overwhelmed by all of the beautiful and kind words so many have reached out with. I appreciate you and your support! xoxo
Do you happen to have the nutritional info for this?
Hi Angie! I don’t count calories and try not to obsess over the numbers. However, I understand others may need to so you can easily plug in all the ingredients to a recipe calculator online and get all the info. Thanks1
This is so heartbreaking, I can’t imagine going through that..but thank you for sharing it so honestly with us. Wishing you all the love and joy and happiness in your new adventure with the little one on his way. xo.
We are sooooo excited! Can’t wait to have him in my arms!
Lorie,
I am so sorry to hear this!! My thoughts and prayers are with you. Fertility treatments are not for the faint of heart and you have been so brave!! Hugs!! Andie
Thanks so much Andie! xoxo
You’re everything inspiring and right on this shitty path! I am so blessed for the friends I’ve made on this journey and know without question you’re little tyke to be is going to be so well loved. Sending you my biggest hugs always!
Love love LOVE you!!!
Thank you so much for sharing Lorie! I remember reading this and so happy to know the ending and can’t wait to read the rest of your story. I also NEED to make these blondies asap!
Thanks so very much Sarah. It’s been quite a ride but the ending is also jut the beginning!!!
So you got me all teary-eyed, and then you offered me a blondie 🙂 That sounds like such a rough journey, but I’m ready for the next installment – I have a feeling things will keep picking up!
I never know whether to add a recipe to the super emotional posts, but I always feel like it sweetens things a bit after something so heavy. Thanks Alisa!